Understanding Alcoholism and How to Help Someone You Love

Let’s walk you through what makes alcoholism different from casual drinking, because understanding this distinction is the foundation for everything else we'll discuss in this article. And beyond.

When someone drinks casually, they maintain control over their consumption. They can have a drink at dinner or a beer with friends, and then simply stop without any struggle. Their drinking doesn't interfere with their responsibilities or relationships. But alcoholism operates on an entirely different level. It's a chronic disease where the person experiences powerful cravings and develops a physical or psychological dependence that makes ‘stopping drinking’ feel virtually impossible. Even when they can see the harm it's causing.

What happens over time is that their body builds up a tolerance, meaning they need increasingly larger amounts of alcohol to feel the same effects they once got from smaller amounts. And when they try to cut back or stop, they experience withdrawal symptoms that can range from uncomfortable to genuinely dangerous. This isn't about willpower or moral failing - it's a medical condition that changes how the brain and body function.

Recognising the Signs in Someone You Care About

Spotting alcoholism in someone close to you can be surprisingly difficult. People struggling with alcohol addiction often go to great lengths to hide their drinking; even from their partners or closest family members. But there are patterns of behaviour that tend to emerge when someone has crossed the line from casual drinking to addiction.

You might notice they can't seem to get through their day without having a drink first. Their work performance may start slipping, or their personal relationships become strained in ways that seem out of proportion to any particular issue. Sometimes their whole personality seems to shift - they're not quite themselves anymore. Financial problems can creep in as more money goes toward alcohol, and relationships that were once stable begin to fracture under the weight of the addiction.

The drinking pattern itself often changes too. They might engage in constant drinking throughout the day, or binge drink in ways that seem desperate or compulsive. You might see them pulling away from friends and social activities; they become more isolated. There's often secrecy involved - vague explanations about where they've been, defensive reactions when asked about their drinking. And drinking alone becomes more common, which is particularly concerning because social drinking at least has some natural limits built in.

Starting That Difficult Conversation

Once you've recognised there's a problem, the hardest part is often just beginning the conversation. I want to be honest with you - this isn't easy, and there's no magic script that makes it comfortable. But avoiding the conversation means the problem continues to grow, so despite the difficulty, it's a necessary step toward helping someone you love.

The key is preparation and timing. Think carefully about when and where you'll talk. You need privacy and a setting where the person feels safe and relaxed, not cornered or ambushed. This means choosing a time when they're sober, or at least at their least intoxicated state. Make sure you won't be interrupted - this conversation deserves your full attention and theirs.

Before you begin, practice what you want to say. Try to frame your thoughts in positive, supportive language rather than accusatory statements. The goal is to express concern, not to attack or blame. Think about empathy and compassion as your guiding principles. Remember that this person you care about is struggling with a disease, not choosing to hurt you deliberately.

Setting Clear Boundaries

Here's something that might feel uncomfortable but is absolutely essential: before you have this conversation, you need to decide what boundaries you're going to set. These boundaries aren't punishments - they're protective measures for both you and the person with the addiction.

Consider what behaviours you've been enabling without realising it. Have you been covering for them at work, calling in sick on their behalf when they're actually hungover? Have you been giving them money, knowing it might go toward alcohol? Have you been hiding their drinking problem from other family members or friends to protect their reputation? These actions, while done out of love, actually make it easier for the addiction to continue.

Your boundaries might include refusing to lie for them anymore, or insisting that if they drink and drive, you'll call the police. If there are children involved, you might need to establish that the children won't be in their care when they've been drinking. These are serious consequences, and the person may react with anger or hurt when you communicate them. But here's the thing - you need to stay calm and not backtrack on these boundaries, even when their reaction is difficult to witness.

The Art of Compassionate Communication

When you actually sit down to talk, the way you phrase things matters enormously. Focus your language on yourself and your observations rather than making accusations about them. Instead of saying "You're drinking too much," try "I'm worried about you" or "I'm concerned about the amount you're drinking." This subtle shift prevents them from feeling attacked and makes it more likely they'll be able to hear what you're saying.

Express that you care about them deeply and that you want to support them in getting better. Then practice active listening. Really hear what they're saying back to you, even if it's defensive or painful. Respond with compassion and kindness, even when you want to respond with frustration.

Throughout this conversation, do your best to remain calm. I know this is incredibly hard when you're dealing with something that has probably caused you significant pain and stress. If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, try some simple breathing exercises to bring yourself back to center. Whatever you do, don't let anger take over. Avoid blaming, punishing, or raising your voice, because those reactions will shut down communication rather than open it up.

There are certain phrases that can help keep the conversation productive. You might say things like "How can I help you?" or "I've noticed you seem to be struggling lately, and I'm here if you want to talk." Acknowledging their difficulty with phrases like "It sounds like things have been tough for you" can help them feel understood rather than judged. If you've researched treatment options, you could gently suggest "I've read about some treatment options that might help you. Would you be open to looking into them together?"

On the flip side, there are phrases that almost always make things worse. Avoid anything that sounds like shaming or blaming. Don't ask "Why can't you just stop?" because that completely misunderstands the nature of addiction. Don't say things like "You're ruining everything" or "Just use some self-control." And be very careful about ultimatums like "If you don't stop drinking, we're over" unless you're truly prepared to follow through, because empty threats undermine your credibility and can actually enable the addiction to continue.

Preparing for Different Outcomes

I need to prepare you for the fact that this conversation might not go the way you hope. The person might get angry or defensive. They might deny there's a problem entirely. If this happens, be prepared to walk away and give them space. Sometimes people need time to process what they've heard before they can accept the truth of it.

Don't expect an immediate transformation. People with alcohol addiction are often in deep denial about their problem, and it may take multiple conversations over time before they're ready to acknowledge that their drinking has become unmanageable. The important thing is to approach each subsequent conversation with the same patience and compassion you brought to the first one. Consistency in your message and your tone is what eventually helps break through the denial.

Supporting Them Through Treatment

If and when your loved one reaches the point where they acknowledge their drinking is a problem, the next step is encouraging them to get professional help. This is a crucial moment, and your support can make the difference in whether they actually take action.

You might offer to help them make an appointment with their doctor and suggest going along for moral support. Their GP can assess the severity of their alcohol use, check for any related health problems, and recommend appropriate next steps for treatment. Treatment options typically include detoxification programs, counselling or therapy, residential rehabilitation programs or a stint in a recovery house. The right choice depends on several factors, including the severity of their addiction, whether they need medical supervision during detox to manage withdrawal safely, and whether removing them from their current environment would be beneficial.

There are also helpful resources available for immediate support. The national alcohol helpline, Drinkline, offers confidential advice and is available weekdays from nine in the morning until eight at night, and weekends from eleven until four. You can reach them at 0300 123 1110. Alcoholics Anonymous is another valuable resource, offering both advice and peer support through their helpline at 0800 9177 650, or you can email them at help@aamail.org.

Taking Care of Yourself

Here's something people often overlook: supporting someone through alcohol addiction is emotionally and physically exhausting. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't have the strength and energy to help them through this difficult journey.

Make sure you're setting aside time each day just for yourself to do something that helps you recharge. This might be as simple as listening to music you love, taking a long bath, or going for a walk or run. Don't neglect the basics either - you need adequate sleep and healthy meals to maintain your own wellbeing.

Talk to people you trust about what you're going through. This serves two purposes: you get emotional support for yourself, and you build a network of people who can help you support your loved one. You don't have to carry this burden alone, and you shouldn't try to.

You can talk to us here at Edinburgh Recovery House. Or some people find that getting therapy for themselves is incredibly helpful. There are also support groups specifically for friends and family members of people with alcohol addiction, such as Al-Anon and Families Anonymous. Connecting with others who understand exactly what you're going through can be remarkably healing and can give you practical insights into how to navigate this challenge.

Remember that you can be supportive and compassionate while still protecting your own mental and emotional health. These aren't contradictory goals - in fact, taking care of yourself is what makes it possible to be there for someone else over the long term.